Pandemic: Surviving as a Couple

We enjoyed an active and even enviable lifestyle:  retired, traveling frequently, going to about six weekly meetings of various kinds, exercise and yoga classes, meals out with friends, and numerous other social activities--always "on the go." So "social distancing" caught us by surprise.  One night we experienced some difficulty due to a convergence of conflicting needs--Steve's need to vent and express his negative feelings before moving into acceptance, and Angie's need to feel serene and "protect herself" from negativity.  Fortunately we were able to discuss our feelings so that we could better support each other.  We have catalogued some things that are helping us adapt to this "new normal" of relative isolation:

1.     Cherishing our marriage-- this is a time of intense gratitude for having each other, for being a couple, for not being "home alone."

2.    Continuing our individual morning spiritual practices and checking in with each other a couple of times a day to discuss our process and reflections.

3.    Expressing and being in touch with our feelings, which may fluctuate between  things like anxiety, acceptance, fear, appreciation, etc.

4.    Coming back to "now", enjoying what there is to enjoy this day, and even allowing ourselves to feel happy despite what is going on.  Remembering that "This Too Shall Pass".

5.    Keeping up some activity, whether it be walks, biking, dancing to music, at-home yoga or other exercise videos.

6.    Limiting the news we take in to twice a day; we do want to be informed but we do not need it in our consciousness constantly.

7.    Being of service--reaching out to others, especially family and friends who are at home alone.

8.    Relishing the extra time to attend to long neglected household projects, establish order where we can, read, not having to rush off somewhere.

9.    Taking advantage of technology, websites, meditation apps, and zoom meetings to keep our couples' group and other meetings alive.

10.  Finding comfort in "normal" activities, such as cooking and cleaning our own home and cars.

11.   Re-evaluating what is really important to us.  Did we really need those travel plans, shopping trips, eating out, etc.?  Now that our main priority is staying alive, our perspective has drastically changed.  (Angie even canceled hair and nail appointments.)

12.  Enjoying this one day and practicing constant gratitude for every single thing, no matter how small.  Our "guilty pleasure", jokingly referred to as the "evening's festivities", consists of escapist t.v. shows, and "whooping it up" by adding popcorn a couple of times a week.

Steve and Angie McCord 3/19/20

12 Things You Can Do Today to Enhance Your Relationship

1.     Practice gratitude .  Thank each other freely and constantly, even for the “little things.”  It can make a world of difference in the way your partner feels about daily activities, like making a meal, driving, planning a trip, or special favors.

2.    Listen to some lonely single friends.  This will help a lot, especially stories from those who are searching for mates, doing internet dating, etc.  Not only do your friends need your love and support, but the pain of “bad date stories” is eased through the laughter they often evoke.  Besides, it can help you to appreciate your own situation.

3.    Seek sponsorship/mentorship.  Find someone who has what you want in the relationship department and ask if they would be willing to help you.

4.    Keep your side of the street clean.  When you are wrong, swallow your pride and admit your part to your partner.  No “buts” here!!  Even if your partner is also wrong, try to focus and make amends only for your own part.  This is not the time for “I was wrong for ____________, but  you did such and such.”

5.    Make a “What I Like About You List.”   Include all of the things you appreciate about your partner.  Focus on the positive traits, read it daily and add to it as needed for a week.  Present that list to your partner, in writing, even if your partner does not do the same.  Do it periodically.  Let your “magic magnifying mind” work in your favor!!

6.    Have sex.  Make an appointment if you have to, but make it a point to fit it in.  Even if you are physically unable to have sex, don’t neglect taking time to just hold and caress each other.  Put aside an hour a week –isn’t your relationship worth it?  It’s pretty hard to stay disgruntled at someone with whom you have just shared pleasure.  If one of you is mentally or emotionally unable or unwilling to share physical intimacy, it may be time to seek professional counseling.

7.    Space.  Take time apart for your own interest and hobbies.  Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want.  If your partner needs alone time, don’t take it personally.  Some people need their batteries recharged, especially if they have tendencies towards introversion.  Ask yourself, “What would I be doing if I was not in this relationship, or depending on my partner for entertainment, at this time?”  Is there anything you have wanted to do but have avoided because of the temporary separation involved?  Are there friends you have neglected because of your relationship?  Cultivating friendships outside of your relationship can also help you sort out issues before discussing them with your partner.  Taking reasonable time apart can increase the satisfaction you both feel from your relationship. 

8.    Time away together.  Get away from your daily responsibilities and chores, together!  If you can’t afford to stay somewhere, then get creative.  There are lots of “one day retreats” you can plan.  Go to the beach and walk and walk on the sand, drive out to see the wild flowers, go up to the mountains.  Wherever, try not to talk about the plumbing, house painting, kids’ problems --- just like when you were dating and had not yet merged your lives.

9.    Weekly relationship review.  Sometimes we go about our busy lives, taking care of business, without relating on an intimate level.  Set an intention for connection.  Take even a half-hour a week to really talk and listen to each other.  What was your week like, highlights and low points?  Do you feel in integrity with yourself?  What are your challenges for the coming week?  Does your partner have any requests, or need special favors or support?  What are you especially grateful for in your relationship?  After a while, this could even be done while driving somewhere.  This process can be really helpful, especially if you have a hectic schedule, or “date night” doesn’t work for you.

10. Keep a marriage journal.  When you are feeling especially grateful, when something makes you laugh really hard, when you experience a deeply touching moment – write it down!  It can be so much fun to periodically read about something that made you laugh deliriously.  Without the written record, you will have completely forgotten about many things that brought you extreme pleasure.   What a wonderful way to relive and cherish the good times!

11.  Share a spiritual practice.  If you pray, try praying together.  Individual prayers can be adapted for use by couples by substituting the words, “I” and “me” with “We” and “Us.”  It especially helps to hold hands and pray before discussing a sensitive issue.  Take a moment to hold hands and say a few words of gratitude before sharing a meal. 

12.  Couples support.  Is there a couples support group in your area?  Maybe you could start one of your own.  Are there couples who could use your support?  Sometimes people just need to know they are not alone and that others have worked through challenges.  Maybe you could provide service by listening and sharing your experience about what has helped your own relationship. 

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Hope for Sober Singles

           

   “Is there anything in here for single people?”

          

This was the question asked by one of our friends when we first presented A Spiritual Path to a Health Relationship, “hot off the press,” to our coffee circle.  Our response:  definitely.  There are:

·        Offers of hope—evidence that even people like us, who had despaired of ever “getting it right,” can have a satisfying and fulfilling romantic partnership, despite  prior failures, painful experiences, or long periods of loneliness.  There are several inspiring stories from other couples.

·        Lessons from our many years of experience being alone while getting ready to be in a relationship--working a program of recovery, reaching realizations such as the need to be alone to heal, to “become the right person” before we could “find the right person,” to achieve a full and meaningful life on our own instead of expecting another person to “fix” us, and then overcoming fear.

·        Specific examples of personal affirmations, identification of qualities we want in a mate, and setting a vision to achieve the relationship of our dreams.

·        Discussion points for people who are dating—help for people to identify their “must haves” and “deal breakers” and to discuss them with a potential partner before making a commitment.

Check back for further discussion in more depth of these and other topics.

Steve and Angie McCord

View excerpts and reviews at www.amazon.com

           

Couples in Recovery: Six Challenges and Six Blessings

Couples in Recovery:  Six Challenges and Six Blessings

By Steve McCord, MFT and Angie McCord, CC

We thought this information, which is not in our book, might be useful for couples in recovery, especially those in the early stages.

First, by recovery, we mean from addiction to substances (such as alcohol or other drugs) compulsive behaviors (like overeating, gambling, or debting) or people (as in the case of as sex/love addiction, co-dependency).

Let's talk first about the pitfalls or challenges:

1.    It’s particularly challenging if only one person gets into recovery, especially if the partner also practices an addiction.  Ideally, a non-addict spouse would get involved in a support program such as Alanon.  At the very least, the partner who may not need a recovery program must fully respect and support the other’s need to be actively involved in a recovery program on an ongoing basis.

Note:  We would add that this can be a MAJOR change – not usually as simple as,“if only he or she would quit practicing the addictive behavior everything would be fine.”  They call addiction a “family disease” for a reason. 

2.   Each person needs to work their own program.

3.   Each person must have his or her own sponsor or mentor, and not make the     other his or her Higher Power.

4.   Because recovery involves huge transformation and a vigorous program of action, two people could find disparity in the rate of progress, and there is always the danger that someone may stop working a program and regress or relapse.

As an aside, if you are dating someone in recovery, are they a “good prospect?”  Maybe - what you may want to look at, is not only longevity, but

    a.  Are they grateful for their recovery?

    b.  Are they committed to giving back?

    c.  Are they actively engaged with their recovery program and giving

        service?

These are all good signs.

5.  It requires time apart from each other to work a recovery program.

6.  It requires balance to keep nurturing the relationship.

NOW, what are the potential rewards or blessings?

1.    Sharing a common experience of having survived some kind of addiction.

2.    Sharing a common identity

3.    Sharing a common purpose

4.    Sharing a common fellowship

5.    Speaking a common language

6.    Sharing common spiritual principles

We’ll end by saying that, when both people work a recovery program, those tools and spiritual principles can also be applied to achieving a peaceful and harmonious union-- with multiple shared blessings!!

Check out excerpts and reviews at www.Amazon.com